Cancered Out

I just spent 10 hours at yet another BC event. I sat at a booth and heard about and talked about cancer all day. I went to Washington DC for 5 days of advocacy training and lobbying 2 weeks ago. I have committed to organizing a big rally/vigil for cancer survivors on the capitol steps this week. And I have to speak at another cancer thing in 2 weeks. I am fried and sick of cancer.
Without meaning to, I have become involved in at least 6 different organizations. And I mean involved. I think initially I wanted to check out all the different ones and find the right fit for me. But then I would meet the people involved and feel compelled to help out. There is just so much to be done, but why do I think I have to do it all?

Or maybe it is the fact that by being the volunteering maniac, I feel like I am stopping the cancer that I am sure is nipping at my heels and waiting for me to make one wrong step. This way when it comes raging back into my life, I will have all my resources in place. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and I know it is not rational. But there is a large part of me that would not be able to take the trap door opening again and swallowing me-so it is a preemptive strike against the shock and I will be able to say "AHA!! I knew it!" I know it is nuts and I keep telling myself to start saying No to things and then I hear the words coming out.."You know what would be great is ......" and I am off on another. It's like serial dating, which I have never understood anyway, and I am ready for my big commitment-the NBCC. Oh, I am sure there will be flings along the way but if they are truly just flings, no one will get hurt-especially me.