WARNING: GRAPHIC DISCUSSION OF UNCOMFORTABLE SUBJECT.....CANCER
I am attempting to exorcise the demons that have haunted me since being diagnosed with Breast Cancer two and a half years ago. Why not just keep a Diary and spare you the gross details, you may ask. Because I just won't do it.....this format may create that extra guilty feeling that is the only remedy to my procrastination. And the subject has been taboo for far too long. 1 in 3 will get cancer. Yep, that's right. When it comes to Breast Cancer, or BC as I will now refer to it, the statistics are 1 in 8 and moving closer to 1 in 7. I joke with my friends that I took the bullet and that they owe me BIG time. This may relieve them but I know better.
The one question that everyone asks when they hear ( and I am sure you are wondering, too) is " Are you OK? Did they get it all?" or in truer terms....."Are you going to die from it?" I am what is called NED or No Evidence of Disease. This nebulous designation is cold comfort. There is no visible cancer and after undergoing 19 months of chemo and radiation, I live with the fear of recurrence. Not in a pervasive, all day long, woe is me way but more like middle of the night, planning my funeral, freaky way that usually dissipates with the rising sun.
This blog is a way to get it out of my head, on to the page, and stop the spinning thoughts in my head, and forge some new neural pathways in the gray matter. The theory needs to be tested. I recently read a piece about people with rage problems and they almost all said that they need to let out the rage, that it is healthier than keeping it inside. Considering the source, these are the folks tailgaiting, screaming obscenities, flipping you off....it is obviously not working. The professional opinion is that it is much wiser to figure out a way to calm down quickly, deep breathing, whatever, than to escalate into freak mode.
Confession: I lived in Venice, CA for a few years and had to commute into Hollywood for work everyday in my old Volvo "the Golden Gouda" and would attempt to shave minutes off my driving time . My friend Hans joined me one day for the drive and was visibly horrified at my behavior and told me he was going to put a camera in the car so I could see what I looked like ---Crazy. I had driven alone for too long.
So this blog will either feed the neuroses or squelch it.
3 comments:
Whoops, deleted instead of edited...
Just said I find it usually both quenches and fans the flames of neurosis.
What I wanted to add was a link to another blog about cancer, this one by a friend of mine:
www.cancerforchristmas.blogspot.com
It has begun to really amaze and disappoint me that so many people I know or run into are dealing with this and yet, they suffer nearly universal feelings of isolation and alienation. We really need to rethink the way we deal with serious illness in this culture.
But what the hell do I know...
I hope your friend is doing well. As far as the neurosis, I'm thinking it may escalate hugely and then hoping it will slowly dwindle.
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