Lately.....

I have been trying to restructure things in my life. I am making exercise a larger priority and backing off of things I do out of guilt.
The MINUTE I think or write something along these lines......the Gods conspire to let me now I am not in control. I want to know who I am without the cancer label. It is largely self-imposed and difficult to explain.

So, I am making the effort to just be me, not me that had cancer. I want to continue doing my advocacy work but I am going to get involved only to the extent that I don't get burned out, as I am now. I don't have the energy to fundraise for our lobbying trip, I don't want to sit and talk about health care disparities for 3 days, I am not excited about it as I have always been in the past.

A week ago, I was ready to walk away completely......no more cancer, nothing. And then, BOOM! Two young women who were in my young survivor group passed away. They were both around 37, both had 3 kids, awful awful awful. This only reinforced my decision to get away from it. Three days later, TWO friends of mine were diagnosed with breast cancer. I wish I were unaware of this disease.

I swim. I am in training for a triathlon, not sure which one, but it all starts with swimming. It is the BEST! Anything that is weighing on me, after a couple laps.....it fades. I honestly can't picture me actually DOING the triathlon, but I am continuing to train in hopes that it may seem like a possibility soon. The thought of open water swims in May makes me laugh out loud...no effin WAY. But come May, I will probably be out there, swim cap and goggles on, squished into a wetsuit hopefully, and diving on in to the skanky lake. Baby steps.