Why I attended a Support Group after mocking them

Graphic Cancer Chat Alert:

I suppose I should address the title of this blog, and in order to do so and not bore anyone to tears, I will give an abbreviated version. And I will get there eventually.
I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.
I had several surgeries.
I started chemotherapy, the first rounds being Adriamycin and Cytoxin. That's right-they boldly named it what it is, a TOXIN. This is commonly known among patients as "the red devil" or as I called it "Big Red". The nurses wore Haz mat suits and I just sat there in a haze of Ativan.

This went on for several months. When I finished my A/C, treatments, I felt like aliens had taken over my body. I was bloated from the steroids and had gained 25 pounds-Yes, yet another wonderful side effect. My chemo-port in my chest was just not happening and gave me such anxiety when it had to be Accessed that I went under to have it removed and another put in-when I woke up from the surgery, the Surgeon's first words were "It doesn't work-we think there is a kink in the tubing." Had I had the presence of mind, I would have said " Well fix it for fuck's sake." But I didn't, I just stared at them and wondered why it was all so messed up. My treatment was delayed until I could get a good port in and I had a reprieve for a few months.

I began exploring the BC Resouce Directory: More in detail later
Healing Hands- Reiki and energy work, signed up
Complementary and Alternative Therapies, signed up
Support Groups-SO not my scene, I hated sororities and would just cowboy up and get on with things.
Summit Exercise Program------just what I needed!

Summit held an orientation evening to explain the program. I attended and quickly noticed that everyone else had a family member or someone there with them. I always felt it would be a total drag for someone to have to go to the bajillion things I went to and went solo 95% of the time. The founder of the program, Karen Hornbostel, was a Master roadbiker and a 3 time BC Survivor. She was Stage IV and attributed her longevity at this Stage to exercise. She had been given a large Grant from the Lance Armstrong Foundation and was an award winner as their Survivor of the Year. She was funny, inspirational and I drank the Koolaid. Karen had us go around and give a brief intro and why we were there. When my turn came , I began speaking and then .....I truly lost my mind.
The last thing I remember saying is "I just feel so disgusting.." and began crying...no , sobbing. And I couldn't stop. And then it was as if I were having an out of body experience and was hovering over the room watching myself lose it. "Get a grip, what on earth are you doing?!" , I said to myself. This was SO entirely out of character for me that it scared me. Karen had to give me tissues and the crowd was very kind and comforting but I was so embarassed. The dam had broken and there was no stopping me. When it was over, I went and apologized to Karen saying that I had no idea what happened to me. She gave me a hug and said it wasn't so unusual . I got in the car to drive home and called a friend and I was laughing/crying at how crazy I had become. It was obvious that I needed a support group.

So I attended one and the women were about 20 to 30 years older than me and cried about how would they tell their Grandchildren. I selfishly thought "Jesus Christ, at least you got to have grandchildren." These were not my people.

I found YES! Young Empowered Survivors. Finally, I found women my age who could relate to all the freaky stuff that you just can't talk to your friends and family about:

"Oh my God, they actually stuck a wire through my boob and it was sticking out 2 inches and made my walk down the hall like Frankenstein and then... Get a mammagram ...with the wire sticking out of my chest!!!"
" Me too!"

I was home.